Donald Trump: Talent Agent

By Political Playtime

Jimmy Kimmel went on “suspension” last week — a polite way of saying ABC shoved him into corporate timeout until they could stop hyperventilating over Trump’s latest tantrum. Kimmel told a dark joke about Charlie Kirk’s assassination attempt, and suddenly everyone acted like he set fire to Walt Disney’s cryogenic head. (Relax, folks — if Walt can survive being frozen since the ’60s, he can survive Jimmy Kimmel.)

Enter Donald J. Trump, a man who has never once let the words “sit this one out” pass through his brain. He stormed onto Truth Social — the world’s saddest group chat — to declare ABC “garbage” and threaten to “test” the network. (Test it for what? Whether their remotes still have batteries?)

The Six-Day Meltdown

FCC Commissioner Brendan Carr clutched his pearls, affiliates like Sinclair and Nexstar yanked the show like it was The Exorcist, and ABC executives cowered in the corner, whispering, “Maybe if we pretend to care, Trump will go yell at Rosie O’Donnell again.”

Meanwhile, Kimmel was probably at home in a bathrobe, sipping tequila, wondering why his weekend suddenly got extended. (Honestly, he should get suspended more often — the man looks great rested.)

Trump, the PR Genius Nobody Asked For

When Kimmel returned September 23, his ratings didn’t just go up — they exploded. Second-highest in the show’s entire 23-year history. Congratulations, Donald. You didn’t cancel Jimmy Kimmel. You relaunched him. You’re basically his hype man now — think Flavor Flav, but with more indictments.

Kimmel even thanked Trump on air, grinning like a guy who just discovered his worst enemy accidentally Venmo’d him a million dollars. (Somewhere, Trump is angrily Googling: “Can I sue for accidental publicity?”)

The Gift That Keeps on Ranting

And then Trump — never one to read a room — doubled down. He claimed ABC once paid him $16 million. For what? A seminar on failing at casinos? A motivational speech titled Bankruptcy: My Favorite Number? A cameo in The Apprentice: Federal Indictments Edition?

Kimmel read Trump’s rant out loud, turning it into a live dramatic reading. The man weaponized Trump’s words against him in real time. (Honestly, if Trump keeps this up, Kimmel’s writing staff should unionize and add him to payroll.)

The Streisand Effect, But With Worse Hair

This wasn’t censorship. This was advertising. Every Trump outburst was another promo for Kimmel’s return. It was the Streisand Effect — except instead of a Malibu mansion, it’s Trump’s ego we weren’t supposed to notice. Spoiler: we noticed. (Hard not to — it has its own gravitational pull.)

Final Curtain

So here’s the headline, Mr. Trump: You didn’t kill Kimmel’s career. You put it on life support, then personally defibrillated it back to life with a jolt of pure outrage. Bravo.

At this point, Kimmel should send you flowers. Or maybe just a card that says:

Thanks for the Nielsen boost. Keep screaming. Sincerely, Your Newest Client.

And if Trump’s still upset? Don’t worry. Kimmel can explain it all to him — slowly, in small words — during tomorrow night’s monologue.